A Tale Of Two Marriages

I've been married twice in this lifetime. The first time I played the game the way I was programmed to play it, and I paid the price. The second time around is still a work-in-progress, but it has been a lot better in many ways.

My first marriage involved all those feelings girls grow up dreaming about marriage. From the moment we went on our first date, I felt as though I had known him forever, and I took this to be a "sign" that this was a relationship sent by God. We were comfortable together. He was also handsome and smart with a great sense of humor. I did know from the beginning he was flawed--I joked around with him about being paranoid and insecure, but I knew I was strong. I believed I was strong enough for both of us. I now know that was wrong.

As our relationship evolved, I allowed my strong, independent self to be replaced by someone I didn't even recognize. I became a wife and a mother and this became my whole identity. While there is nothing wrong with taking on the role of wife and mother, I ended up being the subservient one. I did whatever I could to make my husband and children happy, usually at my own expense. I neglected myself because I had been programmed to think my life was supposed to be about giving to others. Self-sacrifice was the name of the game. I played my part too well. By the time my husband left, I was a shell of my former self. It took literally years for me to pick myself back up and become healed enough to enter into a much more healthy relationship.

My second marriage started out rockier than my first marriage. Ironic as this is, the fact that my second husband treated me well was difficult for me to accept at first. I was not used to being treated with caring and respect, and in so many ways I felt undeserving. My natural reaction was to reject it! Still, I worked through the discomfort because I knew I deserved more than I had previously received.

Compromising within my new relationship has been even more difficult because I fought so hard over the years to make my wants and desires known in the Universe. Giving in usually feels like giving up to me as I struggle to balance the two.

What gives me hope in my second marriage is the fact that my husband is not afraid of the real me. He doesn't care that I think outside the box. In addition, he has been extremely good at not only allowing me to pursue my goals and dreams but supporting me in them. When I ask for his help, he gives it to me. That is such a gift as I did not receive that type of support in my first marriage. It has made all the difference in allowing me to express myself in ways I'd never dreamed possible. A solid marriage is one where both partners help to build each other up.

Although my first marriage was not ideal, I did take away some big life lessons. I am worthy to receive love and all the other good things the Universe has to offer me. I am a gifted and talented person who has a lot to offer the world. I am now open to all the Universe wants to give me and entrust me with.

Yes, I have been married twice in this lifetime. I wouldn't change a thing.

~CSE

 

Trigger Points Can Change Your Life!

You find yourself proceeding normally in the everyday routine of your life when, suddenly, something happens to set you off. You might feel angered or hurt over someone else's belief, whether it effects you personally or not. You may have undeservedly received the harsh end of someone else's pain. Regardless of what happened, you were left with all sorts of extreme emotions to handle. I call these incidents trigger points, and if you choose to let them they have the power to change your life!

Emotions, especially strong ones, are your body's way of letting you know an issue is trying to make itself known to you. Emotions are awarenesses coming to the surface. This is why certain people and situations always set us off (and why they may happen repeatedly if you don't understand it the first time). Emotions grab your attention and say, "There is something here for you to learn!"

Trigger points become situations where our fight or flight responses come out. We either fight and make the situation worse or we run away, not understanding that in both instances the problems come back later, often more aggressively. By taking the time to reflect on the situation (before fighting or running away), it is possible to learn what the situation is trying to teach you.

I'll give you an example. I have this extremely good friend that I would occasionally get into arguments with. Often these fights were so bad he would cut me off for a period of time. After this had happened a few times, I got wise and asked why this kept happening when I cared about him so much. As soon as I asked the question, I got this vision of what I now understand to be a past lifetime.

In that lifetime, I was the head high priestess in an ancient temple and my friend was the lead general in an army that conquered the city I lived in. Part of what the army would do to psychologically control the conquered people is to take over all religious structures, and this is how we met. Even though it was all meant to be done in a cold and methodical way, he ended up falling in love with me as I did with him. He even wanted to marry me, but I drew the line at that because I felt I would be betraying my people by taking on that symbolic commitment to him. We have been fighting ever since.

Once I saw this, it put my modern day relationship with this friend into perspective. I was able to see we both had a need to be right and we both had a need to be in control. I became much more aware of my interactions with my friend from that time forward, and I'm happy to say it has become much better as I let go of my need to be in control.

I am not saying you need to see a past life to deal with present day issues. Sometimes when you ask the question you receive common sense sort of information that helps you gain new insights and understandings. The key here is to ask the question! Questions help unlock insights you have previously failed to see.

When you find yourself in a situation where your emotions are particularly intense, stop and ask what you need to learn about the situation at hand. The insights you receive when you open up to the information can change the course of your life. Your life will become that much more calm and peaceful because you have gained the understanding the pain was designed to get you to see.

Trigger points can turn your stumbling blocks into insights if you allow them to teach you their lessons.

~CSE

  

On Finding Love

I was very broken when my first marriage ended. I invested everything I had in that relationship, and somehow it was still not enough. In the end I felt like a shell of my former self, empty and lifeless. It took several long months before I could appreciate my giving nature enough to realize that I deserved to receive as well. At that point I began looking for a relationship that was more worthy of me. It took over ten years to find it.

I made some interesting discoveries along the way. While I met and went out with a lot of people, there were only two besides my current husband that I really had any sort of relationship with. It took about two months with each of them before I realized they were not what I was looking for.

With my first husband, I felt like I knew him from the very first date (at this point I definitely believe I did know him before). We meshed from the beginning, and I felt extremely comfortable with him. At the time I thought being comfortable was a good thing--like that meant we were supposed to be together. What I now understand is that we were vibrating at a similar frequency, but that wasn't necessarily a good frequency for either one of us to be in or aspire to.

The first brief relationship I encountered during my days as a single mom began really well. He was intelligent and very handsome, successful and ambitious. He believed in working hard and playing hard. He had the money to treat me to dinner at nice restaurants and concerts, and we had fun together. This man had many of the characteristics I believed I wanted in a relationship. He was also proud and perfectionistic with very little sense of humor, and expected to be doted on. I never got around to introducing him to my kids because on some level I really didn't think he could handle them. It dawned on me after spending two months with him that he treated me much like my ex-husband had. When I realized that, I broke off the relationship.

The second relationship seemed a little more promising initially. He asked for my input, had a wonderful sense of humor and even was a good father to his own son. After a while though, I began catching him hiding important details (also something that had happened with my ex). Again, I realized the relationship was not where I needed it to be, so I broke things off.

I appreciate both men and the opportunities I had to explore these relationships. Even though they did not work out in the long run, both taught me things about myself I needed to know. Both taught me things I needed to look for in a healthy relationship. In those respects, these relationships helped heal some of what was broken in me, and I am truly and profoundly grateful.

My relationship with my current husband actually did not begin all that well. Before we began dating, I knew he was a kind and strong person that I admired. What I didn't anticipate was how strange it would feel to be treated well. Because I was not used to it, I initially pushed it away because it made me uncomfortable!!! Fortunately, I was able to analyze my discomfort enough to recognize what was causing it. I forced myself to live through the initial discomfort until I was used to being treated this way.

With everything I've learned, the most important is this: we receive the treatment we believe we deserve. If you find yourself being used and abused by others, understand there are underlying self esteem issues. At that point, it is important to look at yourself with new eyes. Focus on your good qualities and ask yourself if you are receiving back what you give out. When you begin to appreciate and understand your own value, so will everyone else.

Love is always out there for us if we are willing to step out and demand something more!

~CSE

Experiencing Oneness

It was a clear, crisp fall day when my family and I arrived at the site of our church retreat. We arrived late as we had a few unexpected delays after work, but we were there! I had been looking forward to getting together with this particular group of friends for quite some time. I knew them to be a people who were actively seeking relationship with the Divine, and there was great power when they got together. 

We walked in to the middle of the opening service. The group was sitting in meditative silence, listening to soft, worshipful music when we arrived. I could feel the power as soon as I walked in the door. I knew they would be sitting this way for quite some time, so I immediately sat down allowed myself to be drawn into meditation.

I had been learning a new technique to get inside my heart and expand my being so I could better experience the energies around me. As I sat in this silent state with people around me all seeking the same thing, I allowed the power of the group to assist my personal journey.

I calmed myself, focused on my breathing and my heartbeat, and pictured my spirit totally centered in my heart. I then allowed my spirit to expand itself to the confines of the room...the retreat center...the county I was in...the state of Georgia...the United States...the continent...the hemisphere...the whole earth...and then I allowed my being to expand infinitely in all directions without limit.

The place I arrived at was totally unexpected, but infinitely profound. It's a place I have since begun to call Oneness because everything was present. I found myself exploring the world in very intimate ways. Absolutely everything I had ever known about in this lifetime, and everything I never knew existed, lived in this place. I explored the Mona Lisa and the Taj Mahal. I became one tiny blade of grass, and I enjoyed the happiness it felt at its contribution to the earth. I felt the energies of people and animals and emotions. It surprised me to discover that all emotions--even the ones we consider negative like hate and sadness--were present here. The truly odd thing was that those emotions we consider negative were not negative in this place of Oneness. The overall feeling was one of happiness and joy. 

Perhaps the most profound experience for me in this place of Oneness was my experience with money. In this life, I have felt very separate from money. Consequently, I have not had very much of it. In the place of Oneness, I understood that I am one with everything, and money is part of everything. I am not separate from money! I felt the frequency of money so powerfully I could feel it communicating with me. I could feel its sadness at my perception that I was separate from it. I felt that it loved me and wanted to be part of my life but we had been kept apart because I my perception of separateness. Yes, these are rather strange thoughts to be thinking, but the rules of Oneness are vastly different from the rules we believe to exist here on planet Earth.

In the years since, I have gone back to this place as frequently as I could, although never as powerfully as I did that profound weekend. My initial experience was definitely assisted by the power of the group of people I was with, who had all come together for the single purpose of relationship. 

I believe each one of us can tap into that same power, although the more of us that come together in united purpose, the greater our ability to change the course of the planet for the better. This is exactly why I begin my monthly online radio shows with a meditation. It is my goal to not only go to this place of Oneness myself, but I also desire to help others attain this as well. There is so much information, wisdom and truth we can access from Oneness!!! For me, it is a much better and more profound way to live.

In the chaos that surrounds us, I encourage you to seek out this place of Oneness for yourself. Not only will it change your life, but the lives of all those you come into contact with will be infinitely changed is you learn to express your most beautiful, divine self!!!

~CSE