My self esteem was at an all time low when my first husband asked for separation. I didn't realize how low it had sunk until the last of my identity as wife had been stripped away. As I look back now, the demise of my self esteem was not sudden. It was the work of most of my married life.
I was in college when I got married, but I was quite powerful. I managed to graduate cum laude with a bachelor's degree in psychology with plans to go to grad school and become a counselor. The first blow to my self esteem probably came when I spent time as part of Jeff Lundgren's cult and convinced myself that Jeff's literal interpretation of the scriptures was correct. This meant that, as a woman, I was to take on a supporting role.
After leaving Ohio, I spent the next several years working as a residence counselor in a group home for emotionally disturbed children. Working with children who had been severely abused and neglected took another toll on me even though certain aspects of it were rewarding. It was this experience in the group home that made me decide I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom in order to make sure my children did not end up suffering in the care of others.
The last couple of years of my marriage drained me of whatever self esteem I had left. My kids were very little and needed constant attention. My husband was a cop and very needy to boot. I really had nothing left to give him after taking care of the children and home all day, and he went to look for what he needed elsewhere.
Being a mom was the best thing I have ever done in my life. That said, it also contributed to my lower sense of self because of all of society's downplaying of the role of mother. In the US, worth is very much tied to how much money you bring in. As a stay-at-home mom, I made absolutely nothing. When I divorced, I made the decision to make my kids the priority. A career took a backseat to spending time with my kids. Suffice it to say, I fell into a "career" of sorts--one that mainly paid the bills. While there were aspects of it I enjoyed, I knew it wasn't something I wanted to do for the rest of my life.
I was in college when I got married, but I was quite powerful. I managed to graduate cum laude with a bachelor's degree in psychology with plans to go to grad school and become a counselor. The first blow to my self esteem probably came when I spent time as part of Jeff Lundgren's cult and convinced myself that Jeff's literal interpretation of the scriptures was correct. This meant that, as a woman, I was to take on a supporting role.
After leaving Ohio, I spent the next several years working as a residence counselor in a group home for emotionally disturbed children. Working with children who had been severely abused and neglected took another toll on me even though certain aspects of it were rewarding. It was this experience in the group home that made me decide I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom in order to make sure my children did not end up suffering in the care of others.
The last couple of years of my marriage drained me of whatever self esteem I had left. My kids were very little and needed constant attention. My husband was a cop and very needy to boot. I really had nothing left to give him after taking care of the children and home all day, and he went to look for what he needed elsewhere.
Being a mom was the best thing I have ever done in my life. That said, it also contributed to my lower sense of self because of all of society's downplaying of the role of mother. In the US, worth is very much tied to how much money you bring in. As a stay-at-home mom, I made absolutely nothing. When I divorced, I made the decision to make my kids the priority. A career took a backseat to spending time with my kids. Suffice it to say, I fell into a "career" of sorts--one that mainly paid the bills. While there were aspects of it I enjoyed, I knew it wasn't something I wanted to do for the rest of my life.
When I felt bad about who I was as a person, many of the people I attracted into my life also felt bad about me and treated me accordingly. I became the patsy, the person to be taken advantage of. Emotionally, I accepted the treatment because that fit in with what I thought about myself. Mentally, I knew I deserved to be treated better. Consequently, I went out quite a lot but had to give most of them the boot once I realized I deserved better. It took well over ten years for me to feel good enough about myself to allow someone into my life who treated me as I deserved.
What I know about low self esteem is this: when you feel bad about yourself, you feel cut off and separate from others--even those others you know care about you and love you. We are at our weakest, least powerful and most vulnerable when we believe we are worthless.
Our society goes to great lengths to teach us we are worthless. It happens at school when we don't make the grades or when we don't make the team. It happens at church, where we are told we are worthless heathens who are so bad nothing can save us except the sacrifice of a perfect being. It happens in our peer groups when we don't conform to the rules of the community around us. This is what keeps us down. This is why we give up claims to our own power.
The truth is, we come from divinity. We are all spiritual beings having a human experience! As the great Persian poet Rumi wrote, "You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean in a drop." We are all part of the infinite cosmos, and we are all important in that plan!
It is time to wake up to the truth of who you are! It is time to remember your own self worth. It is time to remember your own divinity!
~CSE
