Remembering Divinity

My self esteem was at an all time low when my first husband asked for separation. I didn't realize how low it had sunk until the last of my identity as wife had been stripped away. As I look back now, the demise of my self esteem was not sudden. It was the work of most of my married life.

I was in college when I got married, but I was quite powerful. I managed to graduate cum laude with a bachelor's degree in psychology with plans to go to grad school and become a counselor. The first blow to my self esteem probably came when I spent time as part of Jeff Lundgren's cult and convinced myself that Jeff's literal interpretation of the scriptures was correct. This meant that, as a woman, I was to take on a supporting role.

After leaving Ohio, I spent the next several years working as a residence counselor in a group home for emotionally disturbed children. Working with children who had been severely abused and neglected took  another toll on me even though certain aspects of it were rewarding. It was this experience in the group home that made me decide I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom in order to make sure my children did not end up suffering in the care of others.

The last couple of years of my marriage drained me of whatever self esteem I had left. My kids were very little and needed constant attention. My husband was a cop and very needy to boot. I really had nothing left to give him after taking care of the children and home all day, and he went to look for what he needed elsewhere.

Being a mom was the best thing I have ever done in my life. That said, it also contributed to my lower sense of self because of all of society's downplaying of the role of mother. In the US, worth is very much tied to how much money you bring in. As a stay-at-home mom, I made absolutely nothing. When I divorced, I made the decision to make my kids the priority. A career took a backseat to spending time with my kids. Suffice it to say, I fell into a "career" of sorts--one that mainly paid the bills. While there were aspects of it I enjoyed, I knew it wasn't something I wanted to do for the rest of my life.

When I felt bad about who I was as a person, many of the people I attracted into my life also felt bad about me and treated me accordingly. I became the patsy, the person to be taken advantage of. Emotionally, I accepted the treatment because that fit in with what I thought about myself. Mentally, I knew I deserved to be treated better. Consequently, I went out quite a lot but had to give most of them the boot once I realized I deserved better. It took well over ten years for me to feel good enough about myself to allow someone into my life who treated me as I deserved.

What I know about low self esteem is this: when you feel bad about yourself, you feel cut off and separate from others--even those others you know care about you and love you. We are at our weakest, least powerful and most vulnerable when we believe we are worthless.

Our society goes to great lengths to teach us we are worthless. It happens at school when we don't make the grades or when we don't make the team. It happens at church, where we are told we are worthless heathens who are so bad nothing can save us except the sacrifice of a perfect being. It happens in our peer groups when we don't conform to the rules of the community around us. This is what keeps us down. This is why we give up claims to our own power.

The truth is, we come from divinity. We are all spiritual beings having a human experience! As the great Persian poet Rumi wrote, "You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean in a drop." We are all part of the infinite cosmos, and we are all important in that plan!

It is time to wake up to the truth of who you are! It is time to remember your own self worth. It is time to remember your own divinity!

~CSE

  

  

It Isn't About You!!!

It happens to everyone. A friend or coworker says or does something hurtful, and we stand back wondering what we did to merit such action. We may end up feeling sad or angry or, at times, just confused. Sometimes it upsets us so much we say or do things we regret later. There is one thought that keeps me sane at times like these: it is not about me!

People act on what they know. If you grow up in a family that speaks their minds and fights all the time, it will feel natural to treat everyone else that way. Years ago, I had a coworker that was quite aggressive. If she didn't like something you were doing she would let you know in no uncertain terms. Many days I felt like I was in the crosshairs because we were so different. The funny thing was, another girl began working with us that was exactly like her. While the rest of us didn't really care to hang out with either one of them, they became fast friends. They fought and bickered between themselves, and that was okay because that's what they were used to.

I encounter many people in my customer service job who are abrupt and difficult. Sometimes they are just in a hurry and need help finding something so they can be on their way again. Sometimes they are not feeling well, but junior needs khakis for his band concert tomorrow night, so there they are at the store when they would rather just be in bed. There are many other reasons they might act in disrespectful ways. I don't take it personally. Being sensitive and a good listener, I can usually feel they are in pain. I do what I can to help, often times making them feel a little better.

There are occasions where something I do seems to send someone else over the edge. This is because my action has reminded them of something someone else has done to them in the past and it triggers an automated sort of response. I call these trigger points, and when I encounter them personally I know there is an issue I need to look at and work on. Understand that most people are not ready to deal with their issues and will act out on them instead.

What I try to remember is this: people act out for many different reasons, and it is not about me. It is really all about them! It is their experience, their issue, their life! It is not right or wrong. It is part of their learning experience and something they are dealing with in the moment of now.

Don't make their problem about you. You have enough to deal with without taking on additional responsibility. The only person you can truly fix is yourself. Respect them enough to allow them to fix their own problems. It isn't about you!!!

~CSE