Finding My Voice

When I was a young child, I had a very powerful voice. I'm not talking about being loud or a great singer (although honestly I did have a great singing voice). I'm talking about allowing my voice to be heard--allowing my wishes and desires to be known. As a result, many of the things I wished for became reality.

It all began to change in adolescence. At that point in time, I was sent messages that there were some people that didn't want to play follower to my leader. While I do think it was good for me to think about other people and take their desires into account, I wish someone had been there to tell me my ideas were still good--that a good leader listens and gives as well. As it was, the message I received made me think twice about what I was foisting on other people. I gradually stopped being a leader. My voice was suppressed by my own choice, but suppressed all the same.

My first marriage finally broke me. I was so concerned about giving to others I no longer gave to myself. Everything I did was for my husband and then my children. My desires were no longer important. I was no longer myself and it showed. When my husband finally left I was a shadow of my former self.

It took me over ten years of searching for my voice before I was ready to invite someone new into my life. At that point, I knew I deserved more than I had asked for. My new husband was good at allowing me to express myself, although even then I still had a long way to go.

It was my relationship with a friend that helped me gain the confidence I needed to once again raise my voice. She invited me to help her with an online radio show she did. At first I helped her secure guests for her show, but then she asked me to be on air to comment on the issues she was trying to make people aware of. She saw value in my views on the world. That helped me begin to value my own thoughts and ideas more. My voice began to grow stronger once again.

I started thinking about ways I could share my voice, and my confidence grew as I found new ways to express it. Today, this blog is one of the main ways I share my BEing. I even have my own monthly radio show to help people connect to their hearts and talk about things they can do to become aware of those intuitive signals they get every day.

You too have a voice. You may not feel that anyone cares, but know that you are a beautiful piece in the Universe. If you were not in it, the world would be a little less complete, a little less wonderful. It is in our BEing we best express our voice. Know the world needs what you have to offer. You are perfectly and wonderfully made. Share your voice. Share your song.

~CSE

Remembering Divinity

My self esteem was at an all time low when my first husband asked for separation. I didn't realize how low it had sunk until the last of my identity as wife had been stripped away. As I look back now, the demise of my self esteem was not sudden. It was the work of most of my married life.

I was in college when I got married, but I was quite powerful. I managed to graduate cum laude with a bachelor's degree in psychology with plans to go to grad school and become a counselor. The first blow to my self esteem probably came when I spent time as part of Jeff Lundgren's cult and convinced myself that Jeff's literal interpretation of the scriptures was correct. This meant that, as a woman, I was to take on a supporting role.

After leaving Ohio, I spent the next several years working as a residence counselor in a group home for emotionally disturbed children. Working with children who had been severely abused and neglected took  another toll on me even though certain aspects of it were rewarding. It was this experience in the group home that made me decide I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom in order to make sure my children did not end up suffering in the care of others.

The last couple of years of my marriage drained me of whatever self esteem I had left. My kids were very little and needed constant attention. My husband was a cop and very needy to boot. I really had nothing left to give him after taking care of the children and home all day, and he went to look for what he needed elsewhere.

Being a mom was the best thing I have ever done in my life. That said, it also contributed to my lower sense of self because of all of society's downplaying of the role of mother. In the US, worth is very much tied to how much money you bring in. As a stay-at-home mom, I made absolutely nothing. When I divorced, I made the decision to make my kids the priority. A career took a backseat to spending time with my kids. Suffice it to say, I fell into a "career" of sorts--one that mainly paid the bills. While there were aspects of it I enjoyed, I knew it wasn't something I wanted to do for the rest of my life.

When I felt bad about who I was as a person, many of the people I attracted into my life also felt bad about me and treated me accordingly. I became the patsy, the person to be taken advantage of. Emotionally, I accepted the treatment because that fit in with what I thought about myself. Mentally, I knew I deserved to be treated better. Consequently, I went out quite a lot but had to give most of them the boot once I realized I deserved better. It took well over ten years for me to feel good enough about myself to allow someone into my life who treated me as I deserved.

What I know about low self esteem is this: when you feel bad about yourself, you feel cut off and separate from others--even those others you know care about you and love you. We are at our weakest, least powerful and most vulnerable when we believe we are worthless.

Our society goes to great lengths to teach us we are worthless. It happens at school when we don't make the grades or when we don't make the team. It happens at church, where we are told we are worthless heathens who are so bad nothing can save us except the sacrifice of a perfect being. It happens in our peer groups when we don't conform to the rules of the community around us. This is what keeps us down. This is why we give up claims to our own power.

The truth is, we come from divinity. We are all spiritual beings having a human experience! As the great Persian poet Rumi wrote, "You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean in a drop." We are all part of the infinite cosmos, and we are all important in that plan!

It is time to wake up to the truth of who you are! It is time to remember your own self worth. It is time to remember your own divinity!

~CSE

  

  

Enjoy The Journey

When I was ten, the world was a wonderful and exciting place. School came pretty easily to me, although I'll admit I was much more focused on friends and on having fun than on academics. I was well-liked by people my own age as well as adults. I was not afraid to be myself (very much the lion I was born to be). I smiled a lot, and I found it easy to use this gift to put a smile on the face of those I came into contact with.

When I was twenty, I met the man I believed to be the love of my life and got married. I was wrapping up a bachelor's degree in psychology with plans to go on to higher education and the counseling field. My adolescent years had been spent creating self doubt, and I had worked hard to overcome my self esteem issues. Several summers during my college career were spent tour guiding--the job I still think of as my best job ever. They also put me into contact with a cult leader named Jeff Lundgren (which is a whole story in and of itself).

When I was thirty, my marriage was falling apart, although I didn't really know it at the time. I was a shell of my former self, wholly devoted to my role of wife and stay-at-home mom with three very young children. Looking back, I understand that even though I was happy playing the wife and mother role, I allowed it to take a huge toll on who I was. I was so enmeshed in my identity as wife and mother that it was hard to tell where my husband left off and where I began. I was fully engaged in giving. I did very little to receive.

When I was forty, I was not very happy with my life. I had fallen into a career as a daycare teacher years before when I suddenly found myself to be a single mom. While it gave me the opportunity I craved to raise my children the way I wanted, it was not particularly fulfilling for me. I was also very lonely. I had dated on and off since my divorce, but I was still not quite whole enough to understand what I truly deserved in a relationship.

Today, I am fifty, and I feel as though I have come full circle. I've spent the last couple of years planning where I wanted to go and who I wanted to be as my children have left the nest. For the first time in a long time, I've had the opportunity to think about myself and what I really wanted. I no longer feel unworthy as I allow my voice to be expressed in the world. I am no longer lonely as I have found a companion who treats me well and whose company I enjoy.

As I look back at my life, I can see the progress I have made. My course has not been steady. In fact, it's been much more of a roller coaster ride. Although I have dedicated my life to others, I understand now my journey has never been about others. It has always been about me. My choices. My actions. Lessons learned. My own personal happiness depends on the consideration I give myself. I am finally at a place in life where I can allow myself to be who I am, unafraid of the consequences. I know that whatever happens, it's all part of the growth process.

Life is not about perfection. It's about learning to be human, flaws and all. Allowing ourselves to make mistakes enables us to grow in profound ways. The most magnificent treasures we acquire are the lessons we learn when life is most difficult. Enjoy the journey, bumps and all.

~CSE

Your Brand

I work a part-time retail job in a large department store. As I walk around straightening things up and helping customers select merchandise, I am increasingly aware of brands. Levi. Disney. Polo. What hits me is not so much about the brands themselves but how we, as human beings, want to associate ourselves with such things. We want to have the right car. We want to go to the right church and vote for the right political candidate. We even want to have certain brands emblazoned on our clothing. It's almost as if we no longer matter--just the things we associate ourselves with.

Brands are important if you are a business. After all, you want to sell your product, and the more distinctive you can make that product the more recognition (and more sales) you will receive. Product marketing relies heavily on making the brand recognizable and valuable so more people will want to identify with it. 

I've personally never put much stock in brands. I learned long ago that brands don't necessarily mean quality. When I was in Junior High, Gloria Vanderbilt was huge in design and everyone wanted a pair of her high priced jeans. Several of my friends were "lucky" enough to get a pair. They wore them exactly twice before the washing machine tore them out at the seams. Shoddy workmanship meant to pay big profits to the designer. After that when someone told me about the latest and greatest, I would just shake my head and walk away. While I do occasionally wear name brands, it isn't because they're name brands. They just happen to be lucky enough to share closet space with my no-name generic stuff.

While I was at work the other day, the energy of the brands really hit me. There were people wearing brands on their shirts, and I could feel they literally identified with those brands--as if those brands were them!!! It was as if the people inside the shirts no longer recognized their own value. Their personal value was tied to the brands they were attached to. A marketer's dream, but a soul's nightmare.

Somewhere in this very materialistic world we have lost the essence of who we are!!! We feel worthless if we don't identify with a brand, so we happily take on the brands of others in an attempt to feel good about ourselves!!! Is is any wonder things can't make us happy? They are not us!!! When we take on the brands of others, we are making others more important than ourselves!!! No wonder we feel like crap!!!

You are unique!!! One-of-a-kind!!! Valuable!!! In all the world--in all the Universe--there is no one exactly like you!!! Don't fall for the idea you do not matter in and of yourself!!! You are whole and complete and perfect just as you are!!! Don't forget it!!!

Be willing to stop representing the brands of others!!! Understand they need you a whole lot more than you need them!!! 

Your brand is who you BE in the world!!! Show it!!! Own it!!! Shout it from the rooftops!!!

~CSE