The Benefits of Painful Experience

The past year has been one of the most painful and difficult journeys of my life so far. That said, I wouldn't change a thing!

Allowing The Pain And Sadness Of Others

I read a meme on social media that struck a chord with me. It said, "When you can't look on the bright side, I will sit with you in the dark." It dawned on me how often we look at the sadness and pain of others and immediately begin trying to comfort them and make them feel better. We give them comfort food, regale them with stories, or take them to movies--anything to distract them from the pain of what they're experiencing. The thing is, often such distraction techniques are counterintuitive. Pain has to be dealt with before it dissipates. Sometimes the best thing you can do is provide companionship to someone who is struggling so they have the added support to deal with it. 

One of the most painful things I have ever experienced was losing my newborn daughter. Regardless of the fact that she lived outside my body for less than a day, I knew her. I had spent months dreaming about how her life would go and all the experiences I wanted to share with her. I could see everything in my mind's eye--so perfectly it was almost as though it really existed. Not only did I lose my baby but I lost those dreams of her. 

One of the main reasons I was able to deal with my grief in a timely manner was the great support I had from friends. I had spent the past couple of years working as a residence counselor with emotionally disturbed children. Consequently, most of my friends were social workers and psychologists who were used to dealing with big, painful problems in their clients. I had people around me who were strong enough to listen, and they were strong enough to just sit with me in my pain. Having that level of support when I was feeling so much discomfort gave me the courage to face it and deal with it. 

It is not easy to allow someone else to feel pain. We are so connected--especially to our friends and family members--that we can feel their pain on an empathetic level. It is natural to want to help them stop hurting. Understand that pain is not something that needs to be fixed. Healing it requires accepting its place in your life and allowing beauty to evolve from it in its own time.

Allowing the pain and sadness of others is one of the greatest gifts you can give them. By sitting with them in that pain, you give support while you encourage healing. Do you have the courage required to be a healer?

~CSE

  

The Difference One Brief Life Can Make!

Twenty-five years ago today, I had a daughter. She was born by c-section after a 12+ hour induction that did not work, performed because I had developed a condition known as pre-eclampsia. While she was born seemingly healthy at 36 weeks, she had received a deadly dose of a bacteria during the birthing process, Group B Strep--a bacteria I apparently did not have an immunity to. Arielle, my precious firstborn, died less than a day after she was born because of a serious blood infection caused by the bacteria.

My grief drove me to find meaning in the experience. It would have been unbearable if I had not believed there was some greater purpose in her departure. For quite a few years I worked to educate people about Group B Strep as it was the biggest infectious killer of infants in the United States at that time. Although I am no longer convinced that antibiotics and vaccines are answers, I do believe this gave me an outlet to vent my feelings in a constructive way.

There were other insights the experience gave me. I had more compassion for people who experience miscarriage and stillbirth. I knew what had been helpful for me, and I tried to give that to others whether they had actually lost a baby or were trying to help someone else who had lost a baby. The other understanding I received was about death in general. The most important thing a person can do for someone who is grieving anyone is just to be there. You don't need to say anything. Just be willing to hold their hand, and allow them the space they need to grieve in their own way.

There is no longer any pain, although it took a long time for me to be able to say that. So much has happened in the intervening time that replaced the empty space Arielle's death created. I have had three other beautiful, intelligent and amazing children that have given me many happy moments I cherish. I even have a granddaughter who is the light of my life, as stubborn as she is in her almost 2 year old glory!!!

The thing about grief is, even though the separation is painful, it allows you to grow in ways you never thought possible. Life gets a little less shallow as you confront harsh realities. In so many ways, I am a much better, stronger and compassionate person because Arielle came into my life. One brief life has the power to make a world of difference. I will never be the same, and it was worth it!!!

~CSE