When I was ten, the world was a wonderful and exciting place. School came pretty easily to me, although I'll admit I was much more focused on friends and on having fun than on academics. I was well-liked by people my own age as well as adults. I was not afraid to be myself (very much the lion I was born to be). I smiled a lot, and I found it easy to use this gift to put a smile on the face of those I came into contact with.
When I was twenty, I met the man I believed to be the love of my life and got married. I was wrapping up a bachelor's degree in psychology with plans to go on to higher education and the counseling field. My adolescent years had been spent creating self doubt, and I had worked hard to overcome my self esteem issues. Several summers during my college career were spent tour guiding--the job I still think of as my best job ever. They also put me into contact with a cult leader named Jeff Lundgren (which is a whole story in and of itself).
When I was thirty, my marriage was falling apart, although I didn't really know it at the time. I was a shell of my former self, wholly devoted to my role of wife and stay-at-home mom with three very young children. Looking back, I understand that even though I was happy playing the wife and mother role, I allowed it to take a huge toll on who I was. I was so enmeshed in my identity as wife and mother that it was hard to tell where my husband left off and where I began. I was fully engaged in giving. I did very little to receive.
When I was forty, I was not very happy with my life. I had fallen into a career as a daycare teacher years before when I suddenly found myself to be a single mom. While it gave me the opportunity I craved to raise my children the way I wanted, it was not particularly fulfilling for me. I was also very lonely. I had dated on and off since my divorce, but I was still not quite whole enough to understand what I truly deserved in a relationship.
Today, I am fifty, and I feel as though I have come full circle. I've spent the last couple of years planning where I wanted to go and who I wanted to be as my children have left the nest. For the first time in a long time, I've had the opportunity to think about myself and what I really wanted. I no longer feel unworthy as I allow my voice to be expressed in the world. I am no longer lonely as I have found a companion who treats me well and whose company I enjoy.
As I look back at my life, I can see the progress I have made. My course has not been steady. In fact, it's been much more of a roller coaster ride. Although I have dedicated my life to others, I understand now my journey has never been about others. It has always been about me. My choices. My actions. Lessons learned. My own personal happiness depends on the consideration I give myself. I am finally at a place in life where I can allow myself to be who I am, unafraid of the consequences. I know that whatever happens, it's all part of the growth process.
Life is not about perfection. It's about learning to be human, flaws and all. Allowing ourselves to make mistakes enables us to grow in profound ways. The most magnificent treasures we acquire are the lessons we learn when life is most difficult. Enjoy the journey, bumps and all.
~CSE
