Peace In the Chaos

The past year has been a very crazy and difficult one for me. This last month has been particularly chaotic as my family welcomed a new grandson into the world and I struggled to juggle several trips to south Georgia along with work and trying to take care of my husband's ever growing needs. Two days ago I was at the point of utter exhaustion and total mental meltdown as I attempted to get last minute prep done for my family's Christmas. I finally had to throw in the towel yesterday and allow myself to be content with what I had already gotten done.

Allowing myself to be content with my less-than-perfect self is tough. I am my own worst critic. Coupled with the fact that I enjoy making happy holiday memories for my family, my bright plans not all coming to fruition is a bit of a letdown.

That said, in the midst of the self-created chaos I've had some truly wonderful insights. The first (and most important): I am being way too hard on myself. I have created a must-have scenario that is unrealistic and unfair--especially considering the circumstances of my present life. I am losing the most important part of myself trying to bring about the "perfect" holiday.

I am also aware that I am doing too much for my adult children. When they were little, it was important to me that Christmas be exciting and fun. I so enjoyed planning, buying their Santa gifts, and trying to make sure they had happy childhood memories, regardless of the fact they lived in a one parent household. (Yes, I was overcompensating in many ways.) That said, Christmas was always my favorite holiday and I wanted my kids to share this with me. I believe I have been successful in that goal. The thing is, now that they are adults I need to pull my own reins in and allow them to create their own memories. I will still work to make sure I celebrate the holidays with them. I now understand I need to create new holiday goals--something more realistic and maybe something that includes more of the public at large like volunteering with a program that distributes toys to needy children.

Nearly having a nervous breakdown can sharpen your focus. As I sit in the quiet drinking my morning coffee, I understand that everything is all right in the world. I have shelter, clothing, food, a loving family that I will get to spend time with, and new opportunities opening up. There can be peace within the chaos. We just have to take the time to remember it.

What If It Isn't Broken?

There's a lot going on in my life right now. My mom is having heart problems. My husband is dealing with his own health issues and isn't working presently. My daughter is having personal struggles. Finances are stretched tight, and my eleven year old car has been in the shop for the better part of two weeks. Needless to say, my stress levels are at an all time high with no end in sight. Tears have been a daily occurrence of late as I struggle to cope with it all. Still, with everything that is taking place I find myself asking this question: What if it isn't broken?

As humans, we are conditioned to see the world in black and white--good/bad, right/wrong, sin/righteousness, etc. We are also programmed to do what we can to fix what is perceived as broken. I'll admit, some of this comes naturally as what we see as problems often bring pain. Very few of us enjoy living with pain so we work to achieve something different.

What if the circumstances of our lives are not really problems? What if they are only perceived as problems? What if the goal our life is not to avoid situations deemed sinful or wrong or bad but to experience all the nuances that this three-dimensional life has to offer? What if we came to earth to play in everything--messy, outrageous or otherwise?

Yes, I am stressed out. Yes, I know it will all pass eventually. What experiences are to be gained in this moment of now? What insights? What awarenesses? How can I use all the messy circumstances of my life to grow as a person?

I have said this before. We didn't come to planet Earth to be perfect. We came to Earth to be human. BEing human encompasses the full range of experiences and emotions--not just those considered "good". 

There are many things in my life at present I have been conditioned to see as bad--things I am supposed to fix. I'll ask again: what if it isn't broken? What if I am here to feel...to experience...to think...to grow? What if this series of events is designed to expand me so much I am a new creation?

It is only in brokenness we are made whole.

~CSE

Why We're Here

Pierre Teilhard de Chardin once wrote,

We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.

To me, the difference in the two statements is profound. The first statement places us firmly in an imperfect state with perfection as the goal. The second acknowledges our perfection and our desire to play and experiment in a messy world.

If you haven't figured it out yet, this human life is not about perfection. It is complicated. It is chaotic. There are times we jump out of the frying pan directly into the fire. While there can be big rewards there can also be massive failures. It's all part of the process. It's what we signed up for!

That's right. We signed up for this! As crazy as it sounds, we signed up for this pain and nastiness! Why? We signed up because we wanted to learn what it was like to experience everything in the Oneness through the experience of individuality. This life of individuality, or duality as it is called, is the perfect vehicle to experience those things we already knew in unfamiliar and different ways.

Our 3D existence is a world of separation. I find the creation story in the Bible fascinating in regards to this concept. In the first book in the first chapter (Genesis, Chapter 1), it describes how God began pulling individual things out of what exists. He said, "Let there be light," and he separated it from the darkness. He continues to separate the heaven from the earth, the waters from the land, and then begins to pull plants and animals and even people out of the Void (or Oneness as I like to call it).

When we chose to experience this mess, we knew it would be a rough ride. We knew there was the potential to experience profound joy. We also understood that it could develop our souls in profound and unique ways. We believed the journey was worth it.

Understand that whatever good or bad you are experiencing now is all part of that process. Be thankful that you have been given such an opportunity and have made it this far! There is a beauty and richness that comes from traveling through dark places that you would never have fully understood without this experience. This is why we're here.

~CSE

The Perfection Of Imperfection

Most of us are living a lie. We are told we need to be perfect--to jump through the neat little hoops that society has laid out for us. We do our best to be good citizens and human beings, falling short time and time again. Mistakes are us, and we feel bad when we make them because we should somehow be able to stop ourselves from making them.

We justify this state of affairs by saying we are only human--that human beings are imperfect and can't be held to standards of perfection. Only God (or his only begotten son) can truly be perfect.

Many of us continue to slog through this life, making mistake after mistake. Sometimes we continue making the same mistakes over and over again. These are the times we scratch our heads and beat ourselves up over our transgressions.

The simple fact is, we didn't come to this 3D existence to be perfect. We came to learn. We came to grow. We came to get dirty, get in trouble, make mistakes...and make them again. It isn't about maintaining a squeaky clean appearance. It's about imperfection!

When we live in perfection, we learn nothing. We don't appreciate what we have because there is no contrast to show us--no valley of death that makes us appreciate what life has to offer.

There is perfection in our imperfection. It is our mistakes, our struggles, our conflicts, our problems that help us engage in both the light and dark sides of the spectrum. We are able to learn in a more well-rounded way. It is our imperfections that work together to make us perfect.

~CSE

Why Beat Yourself Up?

I spent way too many years beating myself up. Whenever I made a mistake or did something wrong, I would fixate on it, condemning myself and vowing it would never happen again. At those times when it did happen again, my self-condemnation would take me so low I would be powerless to do anything.

As I look back on my life, I understand how programmed I was. I grew up in a Christian home, which brings its own forms of misery. One of the worst is growing up with the idea you need to hold yourself to perfect standards (aka be like Jesus), understanding the whole time that you are an imperfect sinner! How is that supposed to work exactly? It is inevitable you will screw up, being the imperfect human you are. Is life just meant to be full of self incrimination and punishment?

Yes, I am imperfect. Yes, I makes mistakes, and you know what? THAT IS OKAY WITH ME!!! The fact of the matter is, in those moments I have done everything right I have not learned much. I may have a fleeting moment of pride in myself that quickly fades with my next mistake.

As I look back on my life, I understand my mistakes have allowed me to learn. My mistakes have allowed me to grow. My mistakes motivate me toward new solutions. Mistakes are not the problems. Believing mistakes make you somehow bad or wrong is the problem! Dwelling on mistakes you've made only serves to waste valuable time you could be using to work out solutions!

You are a beautiful, wonderful and powerful being of light and love! You deserve to be treated so much better than what the world has provided for you until this point! Learn to accept that beauty and use it to BE the light that you are in the world!

~CSE

You Are Enough!!!

There are many days in life where we all feel very inadequate. We fail, repeating mistake after mistake after mistake, only to wake up wishing we could be better--more perfect. After all, isn't the ultimate goal in life perfection?

Society teaches us that we need to be perfect. We are held to the standards of legends like Jesus and the Buddha, and when we don't perform we beat ourselves up over and over again. We fell down here. We should have done better there. We could have handled this better. And on and on and on it goes.

Perfection is not realistic, nor is it designed to be. It is meant to be a control mechanism. What passes for perfection in one society may be reviled in another. Our standards of perfection have everything to do with how our "masters" desire us to behave so they can control the population as they see fit. When we don't perform to these standards, they have an excuse to keep us down and sometimes even imprison us. Control is what it's all about.

In this human experience, mistakes have one really big advantage. We learn from them! When I look back at past mistakes, I went through some really horrible experiences. I could have avoided a lot of pain and hardship by making different choices. At the same time, I also see a lot of growth. In every instance I learned something truly valuable and remarkable that has served me well in later stages of life. And I have always managed to pick myself back up, no matter how far I fell. Understand that if you are reading this, you too have managed to pick yourself back up, at least one more time than you have fallen.

There are so many things in life that knock us down and make us feel inadequate. The fact of the matter is, none of that matters. We all make mistakes. There will continue to be times when we struggle with our flaws. Take the time to remember we are all flawed. It's part of our human experience. We are not here to be perfect. We are here to learn and grow. It has never been about changing the world. It has always been about changing ourselves.

Don't believe me? Forget about asking your head. It will always remind you of past mistakes. Ask your heart. Your heart will show you what you have done and how far you have come. Your heart is what connects to the wisdom of the Universe. It knows the part you play in the grand scheme of things and rejoices in you! You are a valuable piece of the puzzle. You are enough!!!

~CSE

"We Fall Down" by Bob Carlisle

The Perfection Of Imperfection

I'll admit it. I have some very perfectionistic tendencies. I hate to be late. I tend to hold myself to extremely high moral and ethical standards. I want my writing to be perfect. I get it honestly enough. Both my parents have extremely perfectionistic behaviors themselves.

That said, I am the complete opposite of perfect. I am prone to be a packrat (which makes my house look dirty even when it is not). I have a terrible temper. I am susceptible to hurt feelings even when I understand the person who did the hurting is suffering themselves. I could go on and on, but you get the idea.

I used to really beat myself up over my mistakes. I'd call myself bad names. I'd berate myself. I would even compare myself to those people I saw as perfect and ask why I couldn't be more like them.

The thing is, nobody's perfect. Even those people we hold up (or get held up by others) as glorious examples of how people should be are not perfect. Those people are usually just better at covering up their imperfections than the rest of us.

Human life was not meant to be perfect, and there's a reason for it. Making mistakes is all part of the learning process. We try something new. Maybe it works out. Maybe it doesn't. When things don't work out, it is time to try a different approach. If you're not making mistakes, you're not doing anything new. You are not growing.

The brilliance of imperfection lies in its ability to grow the human spirit. Imperfection allows us the experiences we need to gain wisdom and understanding. It's why we signed up for this messy human experiment. It is through our imperfections we are perfected.

~CSE