Twenty-five years ago today, I had a daughter. She was born by c-section after a 12+ hour induction that did not work, performed because I had developed a condition known as pre-eclampsia. While she was born seemingly healthy at 36 weeks, she had received a deadly dose of a bacteria during the birthing process, Group B Strep--a bacteria I apparently did not have an immunity to. Arielle, my precious firstborn, died less than a day after she was born because of a serious blood infection caused by the bacteria.
My grief drove me to find meaning in the experience. It would have been unbearable if I had not believed there was some greater purpose in her departure. For quite a few years I worked to educate people about Group B Strep as it was the biggest infectious killer of infants in the United States at that time. Although I am no longer convinced that antibiotics and vaccines are answers, I do believe this gave me an outlet to vent my feelings in a constructive way.
There were other insights the experience gave me. I had more compassion for people who experience miscarriage and stillbirth. I knew what had been helpful for me, and I tried to give that to others whether they had actually lost a baby or were trying to help someone else who had lost a baby. The other understanding I received was about death in general. The most important thing a person can do for someone who is grieving anyone is just to be there. You don't need to say anything. Just be willing to hold their hand, and allow them the space they need to grieve in their own way.
There is no longer any pain, although it took a long time for me to be able to say that. So much has happened in the intervening time that replaced the empty space Arielle's death created. I have had three other beautiful, intelligent and amazing children that have given me many happy moments I cherish. I even have a granddaughter who is the light of my life, as stubborn as she is in her almost 2 year old glory!!!
The thing about grief is, even though the separation is painful, it allows you to grow in ways you never thought possible. Life gets a little less shallow as you confront harsh realities. In so many ways, I am a much better, stronger and compassionate person because Arielle came into my life. One brief life has the power to make a world of difference. I will never be the same, and it was worth it!!!
~CSE
My grief drove me to find meaning in the experience. It would have been unbearable if I had not believed there was some greater purpose in her departure. For quite a few years I worked to educate people about Group B Strep as it was the biggest infectious killer of infants in the United States at that time. Although I am no longer convinced that antibiotics and vaccines are answers, I do believe this gave me an outlet to vent my feelings in a constructive way.
There were other insights the experience gave me. I had more compassion for people who experience miscarriage and stillbirth. I knew what had been helpful for me, and I tried to give that to others whether they had actually lost a baby or were trying to help someone else who had lost a baby. The other understanding I received was about death in general. The most important thing a person can do for someone who is grieving anyone is just to be there. You don't need to say anything. Just be willing to hold their hand, and allow them the space they need to grieve in their own way.
There is no longer any pain, although it took a long time for me to be able to say that. So much has happened in the intervening time that replaced the empty space Arielle's death created. I have had three other beautiful, intelligent and amazing children that have given me many happy moments I cherish. I even have a granddaughter who is the light of my life, as stubborn as she is in her almost 2 year old glory!!!
The thing about grief is, even though the separation is painful, it allows you to grow in ways you never thought possible. Life gets a little less shallow as you confront harsh realities. In so many ways, I am a much better, stronger and compassionate person because Arielle came into my life. One brief life has the power to make a world of difference. I will never be the same, and it was worth it!!!
~CSE
Excellent article, Cindy. I suffered from several miscarriages and at one time was told I would never be able to carry to term. I grieved each little life that was taken from me before they even were something a Doppler would be able to catch. These babes were before the ultra sound or the dopplers of present day. But when I remarried my present husband we were settled on having no children because of what previous doctors had spoken over me. But then I got pregnant with my Katie. I too had pre-eclampsia but it was me who had the infection following delivery. Katie was spared. Katie had issues six weeks after she was born and we almost lost her...I had issue directly after with infection. God was good and we both survived, but the lesson was a great one. I appreciate all my children more and don't take for granted their existence...each is truly a blessing from God. I have five now. Four girls and one boy...those doctors were certainly wrong!
ReplyDeleteI am sorry for your loss, but it is beautiful and blessing that Arielle was here for a brief time to teach you and us that each life has reason and a purpose. God Bless!
Thank you! It is always helpful to know that someone else understands where you're coming from!!! Indeed, children can be wonderful blessings!!!
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